Stop callin stop callin I dont wanna talk anymore...

It is amazing how the words of another person can change the way that you feel about yourself. These are some examples that have effected me lately:

At Christmas, I was getting a gift card for Joshua at a meat store. It was run by two really sweet ladies, one of them in her late 30s and one in her late 60s probably. They were both totally adoring Cassie, and I mentioned something about how she was getting a lot more for Christmas than what she probably needed. The younger woman said something about how she could tell that she had everything that she needed, because she was obviously loved, she was warm and clothed and probably not hungry and obviously was safe.

I don't remember her exact words, but the gist of the comment was that she could tell how loved Cassie is by how happy she is and that I was doing a great job as a mommy. It really made me feel good to have a woman that I didn't know say something like that with total conviction.

Last weekend at Kristin's house, her mom told me that she thought I was doing a great job also. Coming from someone who has four kids of her own, and who I am sure did things much differently than I am, it also made me feel good. I can get told all of the time by Joshua that he thinks I'm doing a good job, but for some reason hearing it from other mothers makes a difference.

Maybe its also because I would like to hear it from my own mother? I wouldn't say that she criticizes me, but she definitely makes comments that imply that she knows how Cassie should be raised and that I don't know what I'm doing. And I don't, but I'm trying, and would welcome some praise once in a while.

The other example is work-related. There is a girl I work with named Amanda, who has also worked in education for quite a few years. A couple of weeks after I started at the nature center, I overheard my boss on the phone across the hall. Its a small office space, I promise, it was hard not to hear. He was telling someone about the staff he had this year, and he went through Seth and Heather before he got to Amanda. He said neutral things about the first two, and then said good things about Amanda. He said that she had potential to have a solid future there. Then he had to get off of the phone, but I don't think he knew me well enough at that point to make a judgment about me anyways.

Ever since then, I have felt like Amanda was my competition in the chance of an opening. There is a slim possibility of a part-time KDWP position in the fall, and I know we both want it. I have been trying to prove myself to everyone there ever since I started, and I feel like I'm finally doing it. I have felt a little bossy sometimes too, especially when we are working together to plan the OK Kids event.

Well today, Amanda stopped and made it a point to tell me that she thinks that I'm doing a really good job on my work at the nature center. It really surprised me, because she said she had been thinking about it for a couple of days. She said that she likes my leadership with the event and doesn't think that its bossy, and she is amazed at the number of tasks that I take on and how well I execute them.

It was nice to hear that from her, because it makes me feel like she realizes that I want to be there too. I know there was no actual competition, but I'd like to think I was a worth adversary. After doing a program last week in front of my boss as well as some of the other long-time naturalists, I got a pat on the back and "great job" from my boss. Someone else told me that I did a really good job also.

I just feel like such a goober at the post office all of the time, because I make stupid mistakes and say stupid things to the supervisors because I don't think them through. So it makes me feel much better to have people giving me positive feedback on my other job, because I know in the long run that is the one that matters.

Oh, and I watched the video for "Telephone" with Lady Gaga and Beyonce....and I've decided that I really hate that all of her music is so addicting, because she is very incredibly tacky and horrible. I would never want Cassie to like music by someone who dressed the way she did in that video. Gross.

I think we're alone now...

Well obvious I am not doing as well about posting in this as I would have liked. As much as I love being around Cassie every day, she is really just now getting to the point where her personality is coming out and stories can start to happen....

She's 8 1/2 months now, and that sounds so big to me. I know that she has the rest of her life, and 8 months is nothing, but it is AMAZING how far a baby comes in 8 short months. She looks so different now, yet exactly the same as when she was born.

She is trying to crawl, although she doesn't seem particularly determined. She can push up on her hands and knees, and take a couple of moves forward, then decides she wants to sit down and play with something else. I kind of wonder what she would do if we put her down in the middle of a room with no toys within 5 feet, but I have the feeling she would just sit there and cry until someone comes to get her.

She really hates feeling alone. She hates to nap by herself. She will only nap for maybe 20 - 30 minutes by herself, but if she is on top of grandma or beside me, she will sleep for a couple of hours. She is usually fine sitting in her car seat while we're getting ready, but if I step into the other room to grab my shoes she'll start screaming.

I can't help but wonder if any of that has to do with her stay in the hospital for jaundice. I felt so bad watching her lay there all alone and exposed under the lights, and now its showing how much she doesn't like to be feel alone. Maybe thats normal for babies and I just don't know that, but she definitely does seem to have someone close by as much as possible.

I know that she should never BE alone either, but I'm talking for a couple of minutes in her crib while I'm in the bathroom, or for a split second while I get something from another room. I would never leave her alone in a situation where she could get hurt. Especially with her being able to pull up now.

Oh well, I'll just need to snuggle her more I guess. Let's see if I can go less than 5 months before the next post eh.....

Moving right along

Ever since before Cassie was born I've been wanting to start a blog. I had lists in my head of all of the things I was going to talk about, advice and wisdom to dole out to any new moms. Of course once I started it I didn't get around to writing again for three months...surprise surprise...

So Cassie is 10 days short of being 5 months old. She was always so serious, until on her 4 month birthday she started giggling. She was already smiling, but now its so amazing. Ever since her first one, I am totally addicted to hearing her laugh. It is the most magical sound I've ever heard. Now she's totally ticklish. She likes funny noises, and pretty much any song will make her smile. She giggles whenever she is naked, included when she is being changed (especially being wiped). I'm just so glad that I can see her personality develop and now I know when she is happy.

However in the last week she has also decided that she isn't particularly interested in nursing anymore. It has been fairly difficult to get her to take a bottle at all sometimes, but today she only wanted to nurse twice. I think part of the problem is that my milk takes quite a bit to come down, and she loses interest if it is not there right away. I can't seem to figure out how to make it come down faster though. My breasts stopped responding to pumping over a month ago, so I can't even pump it out to keep the supply up or to give it to her through the few bottles she will take.

I know its normal at this age for eating habits to change significantly, but this is especially frustrating. It is reminiscent to me of her first week when she wouldn't eat because she was sick. I am fairly certain she feels fine though, but I still feel like I am forcing her to eat all the time. It is also frustrating because I haven't been making enough milk for her to just nurse even when I am home, but after so many weeks of trying and her being disappointed with the bottle instead of the breast, she wants it the other way around :-(

I was thinking about weening her soon anyway, since I did start a new job and will be working a lot over the next couple of months. Just to make life a little easier for me, and so maybe she wouldn't miss me as much while I'm working. But I wanted it to be up to Joshua and me...stubborn little monkey.

The Dr. told us at her 4 month checkup that it is now recommended for babies to wait until they are 6 months to start them on solids, even on rice cereal. It is driving me nuts though because EVERYONE else I know has started their babies already. I know that she has the rest of her life to eat real food, and that it will make it that much sweeter if we do wait until 6 months. I'm just kind of dreading the day that someone will ask me about it, and that they will think I am dumb for waiting.

She has been exploring with her tongue a lot more, even just sticking it out and licking her lips when she isn't eating. She studies us eating very carefully. These things, combined with her recent change in eating, make me want to start her on real food sooner. ACK. Pressure. I don't think there is anything negative that will come with her waiting, I just don't want to feel like she is behind other babies. I want to feel confident in my decisions in the way she is being raised.

She has kind of started rolling over. About 2 1/2 weeks ago she did it on the flat floor, by herself for the first time. The next few days she did it several times each day. Then she went about a week without doing it at all. Yesterday, she did it twice. She seems to just have a wide variety of interests at this point. She has started sitting in her bouncy chair for much longer, which makes doing things in the kitchen much easier.

She's been sleeping through the night since we went on vacation when she was 10 weeks old, so that definitely makes life a lot easier. However I had insomnia for about a month, even after working until midnight. Working two jobs has taken that away though!

Hoot's story

I've been meaning to start a blog for a long time now. I kept putting it off back in May, and then Cassie was born and somehow I haven't had time since then. Imagine that!

I suppose the best thing to start with would be to talk about the day my life changed forever: the day Cassie was born. This will be long because I'm just going to copy and paste from my Facebook note so if you've already read it feel free to skip over it :-)

The basics are that I was 35 weeks along, and she was born on Saturday the 13th of June 2009 at 8 pm. She was 6 lbs 12 oz, and 19 inches long. If you care to know the full gory details of my labor, keep reading, but I'll warn you its probably only interesting to other moms :-)

So the things to remember are that my 40-week due date was July 15th, and my first sonogram (at 25 weeks) showed my due date to be July 9th. I had another sonogram on June 2nd that showed her due date to be June 15th, and that she already weighed around 7 and a half pounds at that point.

I went to the doctor on Thursday the 11th for the first time since the second sonogram, and she said that she didn't put any faith in what the sonogram showed. I think she might have actually called the sonographer a goober for believing that might be her due date. She said the fake contractions and incredible amount of uncomfortable feeling that I was having since Sunday night were all totally normal. She took my Group B Strep test and said that next Thursday we would see if I was starting to dilate yet.

So Friday night Joshua and I decided to go ahead and get the room as ready as possible for whenever she did come. I spent the afternoon cleaning, and we rearranged the furniture to fit in the pack and play and the rocking chair. Joshua made some serious kickass ribs for dinner, and then complained about wanting to go to the store to get the supplies for chicken and waffles at 12:30 at night. I said no and opted for a bowl of cereal and a banana at 1 in the morning instead.

I got up around 4:30 to go to the bathroom, and took note that it was even more painful than usual. I went back to bed and made Joshua move over since he was taking up the whole damn bed. About ten minutes later, my water broke while I was sleeping. I tried to wake up Joshua, but the only thing that made him respond was me practically shouting the words "Honey either my water just broke or I'm taking the biggest pee of my life!" His response: "No."

So we got up and determined that I was leaking some serious water. I wasn't having a single contraction or even unusual feeling in my abdomen at this point. I hopped in the shower (not knowing when my next one would be...). We headed down to the hospital and arrived around 5:30. We got checked into a labor and delivery room, although it wasn't until almost 7 that the physician came in to determine whether or not my water had actually broke.

I am positive that I can't have been farther along than 35 weeks and three days, so I wasn't sure if they would induce me or what would happen, but they determined that my water had indeed broken (duh), but I still wasn't actually having any contractions. He said they were going to just induce me, and started giving me Pitocin at 7:30. It probably still took about an hour before I started feeling any contractions, although I was only dilated 2-3. However once they started coming, they got intense pretty fast. I had some pain medicine around 9:45, then actually asked for the epidural around 10:30. By the time I got it at 11 the pain was pretty intense, although I remember the epidural process actually being almost as stressful as the contractions themselves. It was worth it once it kicked in then.

Then it was just a waiting game. I actually got some decent rest for a couple of hours. People kept commenting on how quiet the room was, because even when I wasn't sleeping I was just kind of sitting there with the tv off, and Joshua was sleeping on the couch for a good portion of the time. I couldn't really feel the contractions at all, except every once in a while I felt some pressure. I kept asking the nurse how far apart they were because I only felt about one every twenty minutes, even when they were actually two or three minutes apart. The nurse spent most of the afternoon reading a romance novel.

My mom came by to visit, then my dad stopped by for the second time that day. I think he left around 4:30, and I was dilated to 7 at that point. Joshua ran out to get food. I think it was around 5:45 to 6:15 than they decided I was finally to 10, and I started pushing around 6:30.

I felt like nothing was really happening for about the first hour. I did have a kind of weird pain in my abdomen, but after giving me a little bit more medicine they determined that it was just the position, probably her shoulder or something. At about 7:40 I started to feel an incredible amount of pressure. I heard the nurse get on the phone and say "We're ready to have a baby....like now" All of a sudden there were about 15 people in the room, putting on scrubs and masks and talking to each other. I actually felt kind of abandoned by everyone but Joshua at that time because no one was really talking to me, I was just sitting there feeling the pressure keep increasing. It was actually quite like the opening of Monty Python and the Meaning of Life. I'm pretty sure there was actually a machine that went PING a couple of times.

Pretty much all I remember after that was Joshua standing beside me talking to me and helping hold my legs. I remember feeling the sensation of her sliding out and everyone talking. I really just wanted to look at her and see for myself that she existed, but the NICU team took her to examine right away. Even though it was only fifteen feet from my bed, I couldn't hear her crying and could just see them looking at her. They kept working on my stomach, which I remember being almost as painful as the contractions from earlier. After a couple of minutes they brought her over for me to hold for the first time :-)

I slowly recovered, and remember that the next hour was much more painful than anticipated. It even hurt REALLY bad when they pulled the epidural tape off of my back. I was amazed at how soon she asked what I wanted to eat, and I'm pretty sure that that was the best apple juice of my life :-) Eventually I moved upstairs to a new room. My dad was waiting, and Erin and Spencer brought Sonic for Joshua and I. I think I got to sleep around 1:30 in the morning.

They woke me up around 5 to give me more medicine and make me pee again. I suppose that was the beginning of the lack of sleep that comes with motherhood....

They released us at about 2:00 on Monday afternoon. Since she was so early she failed the car seat test (meaning she isn't strong enough to hold her head even at that kind of angle), so they gave us the car seat bed to use with her for probably the next month. She tested kind of high for jaundice on Sunday, but they tested her again Monday morning and she was fine. Her temperature was pretty low most of Sunday, but by the evening it was up to a better level.

I guess since then we've just been trying to figure her out. She's sleeping more now than the first couple of days, although she really isn't eating very much or very well so we're worried about that. We are supposed to talk to a lactation specialist again tomorrow morning, hopefully we can get her eating better. Today the specialist said she wasn't concerned yet, but we'll see about tomorrow.